“Pain is inevitable and suffering is optional.”

-Dr. James B. Richards 

Whether you are single or married, relationships are the center to all of our lives. God is so interested in relationships that he sent his only son to create a bridge for us to have a relationship with Him. Once this relationship is established He then turns our focus to others around us- this begins the process of change. The Lord often uses relationships to change us - but we often use relationships to try to change others. Focusing on other’s faults helps us to feel better about who we are. Doing this makes the search for peace incredibly elusive. Concentration on others never brings peace to us, only continued discontentment.

Love compels us to be observant and sensitive to the needs in the lives of others. Instead we are oblivious of the effects our criticism has on others. Everyone could pick apart the ones they love; those are the ones in whom we can see faults the clearest. If you spend your time and energy focusing on other’s short comings then we will eventually talk ourselves out of the relationship. The inner self-talk will roll over and over inside your head until discontentment sets up in your heart. “And why worry about the speck in the eye of a brother when you have board in your own? Should you say “Friend, let me help you get that speak out of your eye,” when you can’t even see because of the board in your own? Hypocrite! First get rid of the board. Then you can see to help your brother” Matthew 7:3-5 TLB. Finding imperfections in others is the product of fear, low-self esteem and insecurity- which in turn produces anger and resentment. It is a vain attempt to end pain by controlling and forcing others to change to what we think is best. If our attention is focused on our problems or on the problems of others, we will be less likely to hear how God desires to move in our lives or the lives of the ones we love. There is a time to speak truth into the lives of others. But first we must be willing to tell ourselves the truth. Working on the board within our own eyes helps develop mercy within our hearts which will brings His love, acceptance, and stability to our lives. Often the faults we see in others are the faults we have. Many people spend their time pointing the fingers at characteristics we despise within ourselves. You can’t understand the person that won’t stop smoking when they have cancer, yet you won’t stop drinking when alcohol is destroying your life. You are willing to criticize others before you are willing to evaluate your own life. Passing judgments upon others helps you to feel better about you because of your own insecurities. Often this brings distain for another and a feeling of superiority within your own heart, Proverbs 16:18 give a warning about this condition, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall”. When you enter this realm then you have ceased to walk in love and have grown in pride. Whenever we find the need to justify our actions we are trying to come up with good reasons for our behavior; this typically involves criticizing others actions instead of our own. Judgment of this kind is a way to escape responsibility fir our own behaviors and feelings.

It is not our job to fix others but to evoke the destiny which God has weaved into everyone’s life, including your own. Finding love and acceptance for yourself within the grace of God, helps you to face issues within your own life. If you stay focused on your faults you will not be able to change and move forward into the complete work that Jesus has for you. If you are willing to ask for the help of Jesus then He is willing to help you change. The greatest service you can give to others is to find your own woundedness and become whole in Christ.

Fear is one of the biggest reasons we don’t want to evaluate our own actions. We have the idea that God will chase us out of His presence if we were really honest about our faults. Because we have the tendency to see God through the veil of who our parents were we think we have also disappointed God. He is not our parent; He forgives and moves on to creating His own image in us. His love and grace enables us to act in God-like character and compassion. Receiving the grace for ourselves is often one of the hardest steps forward we will take. To take this step of truth about who you really are is accepting the Godly and the un-Godly behavior. Your were created in His image learning to recognize that part of who you are enables you to abandon some of your un-Godly behavior behind you. Change is possible if you are willing to let go of your self-imposed idea of who you are. Breaking free from this destructive cycle is first to learn to receive the love that God has for you, then you will be able to have the wisdom to bring forth the environment of His love to others.