One day you are laughing joyfully, and playfully full of expectations for this gem of a child, then one-day, years later, you say, “good afternoon, how was your day?” To your question, you receive a grunt and the usual shoulder shrug. This once sweet child heads to the refrigerator and then to their room, for which they shut the door with the expectation of you staying out. This uncomplicated relationship has just turned very high maintenance.

Take a few moments and think about what your goal is for parenting. How well are you reaching your goal? As long as your child is still in your home then there is a chance for change. Listed below are several ways you can begin to make changes.

1. Make a list of what your child is saying the most. This is one way of you checking to make sure you are listening. Does your child yell at you, “You just do get it!” If so stop and ask yourself, “what is it they think I don’t get?” If you do “get it” then tell them the story about your experience. This will help them to take time to listen to you. Make sure you are listening to what they have to say. Does your child express feelings of loneliness? Have you heard their hurts? The hearts of teenagers cry out to be understood by somebody. Unfortunately, sometimes the ones that are listening are those who do not hold your child’s best interest.
2. Do not make threats. Children learn early on, which of their parent’s word they should mind and the other demands that do not mean anything.The more you threaten the more disobedience you will incur. Let your No mean No and you’re Yes mean Yes. If you have not made up your mind yet say, “Let me think about it”. The more you waver on what your decision is going to be, the more you are going to have sneaky behavior. Children learn when they have room to manipulate and persuade you to say what they want you to.
3. Only punish when you are willing to follow through. Don’t take the car away if it adds such a burden you cannot enforce it, therefore giving in early. If you do give in children learn not to fear punishment. You want them to remember they don’t like punishment. Try making them cook dinner and clean it up every night for a week. Another good punishment, is only allowing your teen to stay in their room to sleep, get ready for school, or clean. Outside of those reasons they get to spend the evening in the living room with you, watching your shows and being involved with the family. Be inventive.
4. Punish appropriately. Too many parents bail their kids out of consequences thus hindering their growth from the punishment. Pain can mature them. There was a teenage boy in my neighborhood who was taking his truck and running into people’s yards, making huge tire marks, and destroying beautiful lawns. When this young man was caught, he got his truck taken away for about 3 days, and his father filled in all the tire marks in about twenty yards with dirt and grass. This young man learned nothing, accept he could manipulate his parents.
5. Bailing your kids out of punishment before it’s time, you are the cause of their failure to learn from their mistakes. Learn “regardless” and “never the less”. These two sayings will save you time and energy. Teens love to argue you out of your decisions. One-way teens use arguments to manipulate their parents is by changing the focus of a disagreement to make their behavior your fault, therefore changing the focus on the parent instead of them. Watch for these clues; “if you wouldn’t have…”., “you are so….” “I wouldn’t be in this fix if you….” The key words are “IF YOU”. Any sentence involving those words means the teen is getting you to defend your behavior thereby, taking the focus off their own behavior. If you will learn not to argue back by saying, “never the less you will clean your room now not later”. “Regardless of what other kids are doing, you will be home at 10:00 and no later”. Learning to stick to those two sayings, regardless and never the less will defuse any arguments.

Change is always possible but often times very slow when you are dealing with teens. Learn how to communicate with your teen. Start a journal you can share with your teen. If your teen has any thing they would like to say but can’t to your face then use a journal. Have one weekend night as family night. Play games, watch movies, build a project. Biggest job parents have, is to be involved in your teen’s life.